He's mentioned in several round-about ways all week the evil "M" word.

Yes, you know what it is.

Marriage.

He hasn't directly pinpointed how he feels about it, or put himself in a situation in which to lead me to think he's wanting it...but he keeps talking about it. It traces from high school friends who bring him the news or to how our parents did (or did not) get along together. This really seems to bring about a heated feeling within him, whether it is misunderstanding, reluctance, being left left out or desiring true security, I don't know.

Last night he even said, "When we get married...", loosely followed with smiles and other words to lessen the impact. Something inside of me recoiled, but another something wishes he wouldn't bring it up because it might make me think about it. I push the desire away because part of me knows I want to marry him and I don't want to stumble ahead of the emotional process.

I would be really scared if I didn't think that he's not quite secure in what he's saying yet. There's a battle going on...something in his heart and mind. He's testing me to get my opinion on things that are really important- and he's doing it in such a way as to dance around it all, waiting on me to challenge his chameleon feelings.

Supposing me, still stunned, that these things have surfaced this early in him.

But even I know it's premature. I don't want love & lust to challenge his youth, so I lay no pressure upon him.

The only problem is, this situation whispers to me all day. His wandering about in my heart makes us walk paths together, whether I want to face reality or not. I am petrified. I don't think I would know a good thing if it walked up and smacked me in the face.